I Don’t Judge

Today is adoption day. 

In the foster care world, we tend to celebrate this day with family, friends, and food (usually in that order).  It’s like celebrating the birth of a child.  It is anticipated, exciting, and full of love and uncertainties. 

Everyone offers their congratulations.  Everyone celebrates. 

Well, mostly everyone. 

There are always two sides to a story. 

Especially an adoption story.

It is easy to forget that other side. 

I don’t believe that anyone truly enjoys dwelling on unhappy things.  No one celebrates loss with food and festivities.  It is human nature to shy away from unpleasantness.  So, while we are happily celebrating our joyous occasion, we neglect to recognize that somewhere there is another family that is grieving a loss just as profound.

Let me clarify my title. 

The bible tells us that we should “judge not.”  Then it goes on to tell us how to judge others and cautions us to be fair in our judgement and to judge righteously.  It then gives us a warning: God will use our example in how fairly we judge others, to determine how He will judge us.

Ouch.

That’s a pretty hefty warning. 

How do we judge righteously?  It seems correct to assume that a righteous person prays to God for guidance.  It can be concluded that if you wanted to judge righteously, you need to include God in your attempt to judge.  He knows all.  He is the perfect judge.  If you ask Him, he will guide you in your judgements. 

And then He will watch you. 

According to scripture, He will take note of how we judge our spiritual brothers and sisters and then offer us the same measure of fairness (or unfairness) when it is our turn to be put on that heavenly trial for our life decisions.

That’s awesome.  And a little scary.

I try to teach my children that the parents whose children come to our home are not bad people.  We talk about how good people make bad choices sometimes. 

We all do. 

We talk about how our choices affect others, for better or worse.  We talk about how some choices are difficult to stop making.  Especially when our choices lead to bad habits or addictive behavior.  I try to stress to my kids that we need to be slow to judge.  We don’t know the whole story.  There’s no way we can.  Only God knows all and only He can judge correctly.

When a caseworker calls me about a child who needs a foster home, I am told the circumstances surrounding the case so I can make an informed decision about caring for that child.  As the foster parent, I am told the bad choices the parents have made and how those choices led them to losing guardianship of their children. 

Let me repeat myself:  we all make bad choices.

I’ve made some pretty bad ones myself.

So who am I to judge?

Who am I to say that parents whose children are in foster care deserve to lose their rights as parents? 

Who am I to say that some children are better off living with strangers than with their biological families?

Don’t misunderstand me.  I recognize that children need to be cared for and nurtured in a safe and loving environment. 

I get that.

I’m just saying that we need to judge with some caution and a lot of love.

Today we are adopting the child of a dear friend. 

And in a few months, we will be adopting another of her children.

I.  Love.  This.  Woman.

I have seen her at her worst. 

I have watched her grow and change.

I have grieved with her.

I love her as my own sister.

I cannot celebrate this day without acknowledging the grief that she is feeling. 

Terrible grief.

The loss of a child.

Of two children.

Here are the answers to your questions:

Did she want them?  YES

Does she love them?  YES

Didn’t she do what the state wanted her to do so she could get them back?  YES

Does she deserve to have them?  YES

Would they be safe with her?  Would they have thrived under her care? Would she have raised them to be good and contributing citizens of society?  YES, YES, YES

How does this happen??  I don’t know.

I do know this:  I am a better person for knowing her.  She and her children have been a great blessing in my life and in the lives of my husband and children.  I will forever be honored to call her my friend. 

God had a hand in bringing our families together.  In His wisdom and His love, our paths have connected and will be forever entwined.

So what exactly DID happen? 

Well, that’s her story to tell.

For the rest of us, we need to remember that it is not up to us to place final judgement on anyone. 

“Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”  (Matthew 7:1-2)

“Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgement.” (John 7:24)

Today is adoption day.

I can’t judge.